So I'm moving on.
Since my last posts massive changes have and are happening. And the biggest change is the start of a new business. Just a year ago I got happily married and now I'm starting a web business, using drupal and php/mysql to make people's sites and admin backends dynamic and web 2.0 fit. There is not need anymore to have a homepage that can't be edited by you, the owner at any time, there is no business data that is clumsily transported to your web site, transforming an excel sheet into a file that only a programmer can upload. No -- everything you need on your site will be managed by you, at the moment you need it.

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there is an aspect of the project that i have not spoken about: it is very sweet.
it is easier for me to find in my mind the philosophical aspects of love and what is can be and see a "higher" purpose within the relationship.
but there is something about the love affair that stops all of this and instead quietly overwhelms the mind with sweetness. there isn't much more to say.
i think for the time being the project has reached its purpose: it's become a structure of the heart.

the project, my new relationship is now about 4 months old and turns out to be different than i anticipated it to be.
i'm amazed how a sexual relationship, when both partners want to be awake and live to the fullest in their own stream of development, can become a tool to see through the romantic illusion

how is that possible:

with the romantic/sexual fulfillment i experience mostly unnoticed the belief that the love-relationship, the marriage is making me fundamentally happy. a deep cellular belief embraces me that says: the other is the key to me being me in the most authentic and true way. this love&sex actually full-fills every aspect of my creativity and purpose in life.

painfully at first i felt the falseness of this, not willing to let go until all of a sudden i realized, oh my god, do let go: this is a new world --> because i can actually see the drive to make the other everything in life, see it AND --> i can not act on it, AND not shut off either from engaging with the other either. i can do actually do this simultaneously.
now i start to find the capacity to become conscious more enticing than the promise that the other is everything in my life. what all can come from this in the future? :-)

i didn't know that when i saw the possibility of sanity and profound goodness in a sexual relationship that it was this that i saw in my vision: the capability to have perspective on this most powerful drive within the sexual experience: to find happiness in the other person.

to be honest -- you need a committed collaborator in this endeavor (thank you my friend) and a strong teaching such as the one give by andrew cohen, to see through the maze of romance, and this is just the beginning. the force of which to become conscious of is so huge and i know almost nothing about relating to it in a sane and wholesome way. the discovered objectivity is really new.

this is not about the past, even though class 4 had been a long time ago, but the results of class for are clearer to me now.
class 4 was a training in learning how to distinguish between authentic self and ego

katherine and andrea made it very easy for us with just listing a few very obvious qualities of the authentic self and the ego using our experience to the commitment to meditate as a spring board to point out these qualities.
the authentic self wants to create the future, wants to do the right thing, wants to do it anyways, wants to become conscious.
and the ego on the other hand, wants to be comfortable, doesn't want to go the extra mile, wants to stay with its separate self sense and stay in its bubble with its self-image. it does not want to become conscious.

these 2 parts of yourselves never meet, they are like parallel lines and what's good about that is, it enables us to make an absolute distinction.
and that i found most challenging, but most promising for the future: the ability to judge within myself with an absolute clarity about what's what.

if i would have found out in this class that me project that i wanted to start with my now wife was about comfort, self-image and staying dull -- this was the litmus test that my desire had to pass through -- i would have stepped back from my efforts, asked to be pardoned and not engaged in the project any further. but i could see clearly that i wanted the future and more consciousness. and that is so far the result, a increasing awareness of being alive and a context the is infinite and specific: creating the new world.

what hasn't been in my consciousness is that i can be with my brothers and sisters here where i live and around the world in a context that includes differences. i have decided for myself not to be at the burning edge of evolving consciousness within the context of inter-subjectivity. and with that decision i assumed that i'm separate from any inter-subjectivity with my brothers and sisters that do so. but what i was missing was my own heartfelt connection to what they are doing and my appreciation for it. in terms of andrew i don't hold back a single bit, but with my peers --- i didn't think i could have the love and humility to do the same. i thought that wouldn't be dignified.
it's not wrong to be humble and also not when one's dream is coming true, germany is becoming a source of goodness that what i have always felt should be the duty of germany is actually become a possibility and its becoming real.

can i let that be and be so happy about it without in anyway negating the longing to serve this goodness? that i don't have to throw off the feelings of conscience; that those feeling could be good and not dulling guild but love? i don't have the time for anger and rebellion anymore. loving my wife could be a metaphor for loving germany, how about that?

the most fascinating quality of this project, which is my marriage to my wife elisa, is the completely unknown quality of it.
my past experiences of having been in relationships bounce of of this one, like light bounces of a mirror. this made me think about the quality of a sexual relationship in the context of evolutionary enlightenment in which we live in.
the goal seems to be a profound depth of not already knowing. this is challenging for me. because a s. relationship to me has always meant amongst other things that if finally have someone, my beloved. have as in, she/he can't go away. from this sense of having i had confidence in life and in myself.

this here is totally the opposite: the movement of having destroys the subtle sounds of togetherness, interest, respect, appreciation for my wife. it's as if another part of myself is having a completely new relationship that my 'normal' self does not feel, hear, or knows how to respond to.

and another fascinating thing is: i have to leave the marriage alone. i can be engaged with elisa, with the world, everything, but that's what is the synthesis of us  that i have to leave alone, give it a low priority. how can i let something that is so precious have such a low priority? that seems blasphemy! but it's true: my perception dries up, and i'm blind when i pull this 'project' in fornt of my face as me and mine.

Interesting, isn't it?!

we looked at the models again, and looked at the situation how one could possibly live free from ego when emerging out of the ground of being

what was interesting was to become aware and include the fact that we are always both ego and authentic self. we are not fixed in one stream or the other.  so that brought into play the choosing faculty and the 5 tenets.
I find the the 5 tenets are like blue prints for decision making, meaning that before I resond to the live process, i already have decided that i will explore my experience from an absolute context, and i have a foundation for interpreting my experiend and for making decisions.   basically the 5 tenets undercut the complusive, forever same responses of the ego, and quite pragmatically i have the room for the perspective/depth of the spiritual/ mysterious dimension of my experience to influence how i live my life -- so that is cool.

it means, a lot of my live anguish and tension is dispersed and problbly will be more dispersed until the existential tension is melted away. that is possible because l know and hold myself to parameters that are wholesome and match every life experience.
living a full human life is truly possible -->>

this evening was great in another way as well: we all forgot to end on time, but were pulled forward by what we are exploring together - it was simple to be together in this way.

originally the project was meant to run in a test phase until july 5th, but as of april 4st the next step has been initiated, elisa, eva's best friend, the collaborator in the project, and eva have started a marriage. so a higher degree of integration has been reached, which is great, but what's better, the tracks for a new even much higher degree of integration have been laid.
what could be more thrilling?

in the process of finding our way to this stage here, we had -- alone and together -- change, evolve, and so the nature of the project which is development had always been cared for. this is the coolest love affair that anyone could every hope for.

and it was a great class again, last night. first it was hard to focus, but then i let everything that is happening and how i have been lately sift thru the 5 tenets – our topic for the evening – and it all started making sense.

it’s hard to allow oneself to accept absoluteness in one’s life, even if one does apply higher judgment and doesn’t want to cut corners at all, because it’s all too precious and the context is so totally collective, it's still a push thru the instinctual resistance to accept that actually say i love an absolute context, and i want to adhere to it, so i can always see it clearly.

 

the project is really coming along nicely :: what is happening?

(i'm going to use myself as the example to explain what is happening in the project.)

the idea of the project was to foster greater authenticity.
so that would include come hell or high water, i would have to step from one perspective of myself - subject - to a higher perspective of myself - new subject. that means, like explained on class 1of the ee course, that what i felt as being me, would become the object of what i'm looking at and now the new me would be looking with great perspective out into the cosmos and therefore the level of authenticity is greater.

on the whole i can say so far so good. what's challenging in the project  is that as a narcissist i want to see an adorable image of myself, but a great perspective revealed to me pretty miserable motives == non-adorable. so the feeling experience of the process towards greater authenticity is not pleasant to say the least.

but here class 2 and 3 really came to the rescue, because even in the dimmest moments i was able to remember the new god - development - and since meditating in an ee context starts with being free meditation really becomes a savior: you realize again, you are not what you feel and think.

all this is facilitated by being engaged with the other project member, so thanks to the brave participation.

the project is making progress